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Since the only Muslims I had ever heard about in America were connected to some racist group, who hated anyone with different color eyes and hair than they had, and Islam was also part of the name for their organization, this didn’t make a lot of sense at first.
Assuming they were the same people, there must have been some radical change that occurred from when I was a youngster. I quickly became glued to the talk show and learned that the true Islamic Faith, which began in Arabia, did not have any kind of prejudices involved. True Islam does not propagate any racism or hatred for anyone.
The more I heard, the more I was interested. Having had one idea of what Islam was or wasn’t had come strictly from the media, which of course projects whatever they want people to believe. I had fallen victim to that kind of brainwashing. I had assumed that if a group uses the name Islam in their title they were the same as all Muslims who practice the Islamic Faith. One should never assume anything, I learned that quite quickly. The more I listened, the more I learned.
I wondered: Could I ever be accepted as a Muslim, by other Muslims?
Were there other blonde-haired, blue-eyed, female Muslims around?
I knew so little about this new religion, but something was happening to me even then. Something or someone had drawn me to that talk show that particular day, as I generally was not a television watcher. My heart or my soul, something within me, was being drawn to listen, and it had actually been the visual alone that had made me sit up and take notice. I liked the unusual dress styles and had worn those very styles myself, in spite of what fashion dictated out in the world. I could feel my depression, from my father’s passing begin to disappear. In fact, I felt connected again and my attention was clearer than ever.
Everything in life has a prescribed timing, at least I see that now. That day, it became the time in my life, that I was to hear of this thing called Islam. I had no understanding of the religion, which for me I now consider a way of life, rather than just a belief. I can’t remember much of what else was being said that day, as the show progressed, but there was a serious conviction growing deep within my soul.
There was talk about something called ‘Quran’, about staying modest in this perverted world, about husbands being faithful and loyal to their families, but none of it seemed to be the hype religions use to manipulate their practitioners. It all made perfect sense. It seemed logical and dealt with reality. These Muslims worshipped the Creator, not a man and I liked that. I wished I’d known about Islam growing up. I’d always kept an open mind, never judging acquaintances from the way they lived, but I could never change to live the way they did, although it ruined many relationships. But here, in front of my eyes, seeping into my ears, were words that fit the way I thought, lived, and believed. But now, I did have a word that fit my beliefs. That word was ‘Islam’.
During that time, I was living alone in my home in a little town in the deep South. There were no books on Islam at the library. When I asked, they told me they pre-read all their books and a committee approved which ones they would shelve. Having been born and raised in New York, I knew more ways than one, how to get information others might consider ‘censored’, out in some hill-town. So, I began asking way too many questions, but in the end the results paid off. I was told there was one Muslim, a Math teacher at their little high school, living in the town and married to a Methodist woman.
I called the Methodist Church, explained who I was trying to locate and they gave me the name of the family. I called, even though basically I remain timid around those I do not know, and I asked if he might know what translation of Quran was best and where I might acquire one. He gave me a name, I found a bookstore a hundred miles from where I was living, and I ordered a copy of the Quran. When I got my copy in the mail, I read it cover to cover in two days. It was poetry to me. It was in that moment, when I embraced Islam and was embraced by Islam.
I was like an addict. Never before was I so obsessed with anything in my life. I couldn’t get enough of it. I came up with the idea to call the Saudi Arabian embassy in Washington, DC. Within a week my mailbox was filled with beautiful brochures containing precious information. I literally holed up in my home, locking doors, lowering drapes, unplugging phones, not speaking to anyone. Everyone thought I had left on a trip. I didn’t want to be disturbed from my newly found treasures. I was absolutely in paradise.
Everything, every word, every explanation, every answer I read suited me. I saw through the messages and words the way, I had believed all along. I had not been old fashioned or wrong. Modesty was modesty, plain and simple. Having tried to fit into other’s people’s ideas of how I should live just never fit me. It was always a disastrous end. Now, finally, I had the answers. I had found my Creator’s wishes, commands, and the reason for living. It had been with me all along. Where I would go from that point, I was sure would be limitless ... not accepted by others perhaps, but limitless for my own life and heart.
I absolutely believe Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta ‘ala) would forever more, direct my steps in whatever way He chooses. I thought back of how I prayed so hard and for the first time, the Creator had answered through a talk show, one that had lasted only an hour out of decades past in my life. Incredible? Yes! Eventually I did find a place for books, tapes and prayer rugs. I ordered everything I could. I received another copy of the Quran. Such beautiful words filled the thick, green and gold hard-cover book, in Arabic with the English translation.
In reading it again, from cover to cover, I began dreaming about Masjids, one in particular with a walled and protective courtyard out back, beauty in my dreams, which I had never dreamed about before. I felt protected inside myself then, knowing finally that all my differences and desires to find the answer for being on the earth, had finally come to fruition. It was, is, and will always remain, to worship the Creator Allah, and to submit to His Will in everything. My dreams had always been disconnected before, and suddenly after embracing Islam, they became lucid, protective, and special. I never really understood all aspects of the meanings, but they bring me so much peace.
Growing up, I had always doubted my own beliefs, after years of being told what was right by others. These beautiful dreams were a verification for me, that Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta ‘ala) did guide me to Islam and that I am now exactly in the spiritual nature which I am supposed to be. Now, I wake each morning rested, peaceful, happy, and ready to be a Muslim. I continue to read passages from the Qur’an every night. My closest extended family, whom I consider only my grown children and grandchildren, and who are not yet Muslim, are accepting of my change. Others are not, but then I do not seek the approval of anyone other than Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta ‘ala). I dress Islamically and practice the Five Pillars of Islam.
Since those days nearly a decade ago, Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta ‘ala) has blessed me with a wonderful husband and an adopted son, changes in my life that I would have never expected or planned. But Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta ‘ala) knows best and for me, I will accept whatever He Wills. By remaining in submission to Him, I have discovered that my life has been in harmony, which certainly was not the case when I thought I was in control of it prior to becoming a Muslim.
My hope is Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta ‘ala) will continue to lead me to the correct ways, laws, and prayers, that will allow me to live in the fullest for Him, and to fully develop the true Islamic lifestyle in everything I do. What I do know, is that I have finally found the way, not just knowledge of the mind like the many times before, but now, deep inside, I found what had always been the part of me that seemed to be missing ...The Heart of a Muslim.
