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Ibn Qudaama’s advice to Young Muslims on Marriage
Firstly: The Religion is the fundamental, because of the saying of the Prophet SAW, "To you is the person of religion"(al-Bukhari). For if she is not of (correct) Religion (in belief and in practice), then her husband’s religion will become corrupt and altered. If she chose the way of (extreme) jealousy over her husband, then he will not cease to be under a calamity and a life of distress.
Secondly: Good Manners - for the harms of bad manners are greater than the benefit sought.
Thirdly: Good Looks - This is also sought, as through this satisfaction is achieved. For this reason a person has been ordered to have a look at the one proposed (before marriage). Also there were people who did not look for beauty, nor did they intend (just physical) pleasure (out of marriage). As it has been narrated that Imam Ahmad - may Allah have mercy upon him - chose a woman blinded in one eye over her sister, except that it is rare and the trend is the opposite of it.
Fourthly: Insignificant (amount of) Mahr (dowry) - Sa’eed bin al-Musyib married of her daughter for only two Dirhams.
Umar - May Allah be pleased with him - said, "Do not be extravagant in the dowries of women". Also, as it is disliked to be extravagant in dowries from the woman’s side, likewise it is hated to ask her questions regarding her possessions from the man’s side.
Ath-Thawree said, "If a man gets married and asks, ‘What belongs to the woman?’ then know that he is a theif!"
Fifthly: Virginity - As the legislator (Allah through His Messenger), recommended it, and also because she (a virgin woman) loves her husband and admires him more than a deflowered woman, so the affection is necessitated (by its nature). For (her) nature is instinctively intimate with the first lover, and likewise he possesses the love for her in its most complete form. As naturally (she) will run away from any other (man) that touches her.
Sixthly: That she is fertile.
Seventhly: Kin - which is to be from a house of religion and righteousness.
Eighthly: That she is Ajnabiyah (i.e. not from those to whom the marriage is prohibited like sister, daughter etc.). As it is a must for a man to look at the woman (before marriage), it is must for the guardian to look at the religion of the person, his manners and situation. For she will become restricted after Marriage (as a consequence), and if her husband turns out to be a Faasiq (an evil-doer) or a Mubtade’ (an innovator), then he has committed a crime against her and upon himself.
A person said to al-Hasan, "To whom shall I marry my daughter?" He replied, "One who fears Allah! For if he loves her, he will honour her, and if he hates her he will never oppress her".
Choosing a Husband
Question: What are the most important considerations a young lady should make when choosing a husband? If she refuses someone simply for economic or worldly reasons, will that expose her to the punishment of Allah?
Response: The most important attributes that a woman must look for in selecting a husband are character and piety. Wealth and lineage are secondary considerations. The most important aspect is that the proposed groom be a person of piety and proper behavior. The person of proper behavior and piety will not do his wife wrong. Either he will keep her in a way that is proper or he will leave her to go free in the best way. Furthermore, the person of religion and behavior may be a blessing for her and her children. She may learn manners and religion from him. If he does not have those characteristics, she should stay away from him, especially if he is one of those who is lax with respect to performing the prayers or if he is known to drink alcohol, may Allah save us. As for those who never pray, they are disbelievers. Believing women are not permissible for them nor are they permissible for the believing women.
The important point is that the woman should stress character and piety. If he is also of a noble lineage, that is to be preferred. This is due to the Messenger of Allah's (peace be upon him) statement, "If a person whose religion and character you approve of comes to you, then marry him."
However, if he is also suitable [in other ways, such as economics standing and so forth], that is better.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
